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what luxury

I went to a salon today.

Not the hairdressers, where I occasionally go for a fringe remedy (the cut you have after you've trimmed your own fringe. Badly.)

A beauty salon. 

Adam bought me a 'treatment' for my birthday last year in December, and the voucher expired last month before I got around to going. Hopeless. I rang them, they agreed to honour it if I came today. 

I wafted in. They'd told me to allow at least two and a half hours. Swoon. 

I stripped down to my undies in a quiet, dimly lit and biegely decorated room, as instructed by my young and perfectly made up therapist with perfectly manicured red toes (I hope she doesn't look at mine.)

I wasn't quite clear what the 'treatment' package Adam had ordered involved, but it appeared to start with a massage which was lovely. I'd gone to the trouble to shave my legs so as not to frighten anyone, and was glad I did. 

There wasn't much talking and there was some lovely mood music which sent me off to a little brief sleep which I woke myself up from with a reasonably loud nasal snore. Not at all embarrasing. 

The therapist didn't comment, and moved silently around the quite dark room. So much so that I thought I'd ask some polite questions, is this your own business? etc right when she was leaning over me from behind my head, about to apply lotion to my decolletage, gave her quite a start.

She covered me in something that felt tacky and asked me if I was claustrophobic. No, I answered, a bit confused. She proceeded to wrap me up in plastic and foil and mink blankets. And then asked me to close my eyes and slicked them shut with something very cold and mask-like. 

I moved my feet, checking I could, and my heel made a fart noise on the therapy table. I did it again, just in case she thought I'd farted. Then I wondered if she thought I'd farted twice. 

Soon after she unwrapped me and waved me into a pretty little shower in the corner. I looked down and I was covered in green mud. Her instructions were to wash it off and she'd be back in fifteen. I dropped the towel I had clutched around me and stood in my undies to turn on the water.  I tried to figure out the hot and cold, there were a number of knobs including something that was for piped music. I looked in the dim light and there appeared to be jets of water coming straight out of the shower onto me and all over the floor. I shut off one button and the water came down from above instead. Took off sopping wet undies and attempted to get mud off. Hurt my shoulder trying to reach the middle of my back. I am seriously the coolest person ever. I was thinking this as I looked folornly at the water all over the floor afterwards. 

I put my wet undies back on. Then took them off. Found a cape thing in a basket and put it on. Lay back down on the table and prepared myself to confess to the perfectly pedicured therapist. Also did not want her to discover my lack of undies accidentally. Started to wonder what else was on Adam's treatment schedule. If he booked me in for a cheeky Brazilian he's going to cop it. 

Back she came and was pretty understanding. She had some issues undoing the cape to apply a moisuriser as I appeared to have put it on back to front. 

She suggested I roll over (it was here I was wondering if there was hot wax being warmed somewhere) and I promptly rolled off the table. 

Right off it.

After collecting myself and the tiny tiny remnants of my dignity, the therapist began a facial. Which was lovely. After a bit she told me to close my eyes and began painting my eyelashes and I got the giggles. Not wanting to offend her I tried to think of sad things. She began painting my eyebrows. Sad things sad things sad things.

All good things come to an end, don't they. 

A lovely massage, a body wrap, a facial. What a treat. Thanks, honey.

She left me to get dressed which I had to do sans undies of course, but I had leggings so all OK. 'Cept I could not find a sock. I looked all over the dark room, it was a black sock, Adam's actually, I thought: I don't want her to find my daggy black sock when she cleans up.

Oh well. Blundstones on, one foot sockless. 

If I had any hope she hadn't told her colleagues about the hopeless case in the far right therapy room, the desperately sympathetic look the receptionist gave me ended that hope.

They took my voucher and sent me on my way. 

Postcript: I found the sock. It was in my handbag under my wet undies. It was also only when I got all the way home that I discovered the inside of both nostrils were completely white. I am seriously the most attractive and coolest person on earth. 

xxx

P.P.S Thanks for the great response to the giveaway, I'll draw it tomorrow night.

29 Comments on “what luxury

Sofie
June 25, 2012 at 1:26 am

Wow, I laughed. I’m sorry, but I did. This was exactly what I needed to read after a tough week with broken hearts and so many tears. I always enjoy your posts but this one just took me somewhere else for a moment – something I desperately need. And apparently this is what it took to get me to comment, I think this is my first here despite reading for quite some time. Thank you! =)

xx

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Melanie @ M&M
June 25, 2012 at 2:10 am

Truly hilarious, and I adore your willingness to share it in detail with us.
There really should be an instruction manual with these kind of things!

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Fine
June 25, 2012 at 2:39 am

Oh, you made me laugh so hard, my cheeks hurt! I, like Sofie, could not NOT comment although I never have before. Love your blog.
Thank you for sharing your adventure with us!

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Too, too funny! Love that you are happy to share everything, and very pleased too as I cried with laughter!

I hope that Adam does not feel that he really is sharing you with the world as you disclose such hilarities about your beauty regime!

I’d love to know what the beautician was actually thinking, and if she too has written a blog about your visit…!

Much love xxxxxx

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Penny Hannah
June 25, 2012 at 6:43 am

Thank you, thank you, thank you – that was the bes,t out-loud laugh I’ve had for AGES and I expect you are now the most beautiful, and desirable object Adam has ever seen….!

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Cassandra
June 25, 2012 at 7:19 am

Thanks for the laughs, out loud many times, value for money this post! Brought back memories of me at a teensy beauty “parlour” (more like shack) in Bali.

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kim at allconsuming
June 25, 2012 at 8:21 am

This is WHY I don’t do that sort of thing – I actually get ANXIOUS – should I be talking? I really need to fart. DO NOT FART. Was I snoring? OHMYGOD I was snoring. and so on and so forth. By the time I leave I’m exhausted. Greasy and exhausted!

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Helena
June 25, 2012 at 8:26 am

FUNNY, Fi!

I imagined you in your cape, nekkid, rolling off the table… oh my, oh dear, oh thank you for sharing! I loved your “sad things sad things” too. Too funny, and so exactly like I’d experience it… thank you for giving us every detail, up to the sock jammed in with the undies and your white-out nostrils. Beautiful. πŸ™‚

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Sonja
June 25, 2012 at 8:28 am

Absolutely hilarious! I am sitting at the computer at six am, trying not to wake anyone, wiping tears away from laughing so hard. Sooo recognizable!

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Renee
June 25, 2012 at 8:34 am

Love your post – you brought a smile to my face this morning – thanks! and PS – I’ve come out of the salon with cream up my nostrils too (I am sure it happens to a lot of people!)

Have a lovely day.

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JustJoyful
June 25, 2012 at 8:35 am

Definitely a laugh out loud post today – wonderful! And it reminds me so much of my first visit to a beautician. I had booked myself in for a facial as a treat for achieving a much-worked for goal. The first confusing thing was having to take most of my clothes off for a facial – why? Then when the beautician came back and told me to lie down on the table, in my confused state I asked “on my back or on my front?”. No wonder the therapist gave me an odd look before checking with me that I was having a facial and not a back wax!

To add to the embarrassment, I hadn’t had time for lunch that day, so my traitorous stomach made hungry noises throughout the facial.

Believe it or not, I did go back for another facial, and that time, I actually enjoyed it!

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Meg
June 25, 2012 at 9:15 am

That made me giggle so much my kids wanted to know what I was reading. Those salons and beauticians are always so perfect it’s easy to feel the way you did, I can relate to your story!

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Brenda
June 25, 2012 at 9:47 am

Just a quick note to say, I love your blog, you always make me smile and feel better about myself, make me appreciate things more. Thank you xxBrenad

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Katherine
June 25, 2012 at 11:35 am

I just laughed SO hard! It was like you were describing…..me!

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xania
June 25, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Oh… I laughed so hard… not at you, but with you [SMILE]… We’ve all done something similar, I’m sure – we just don’t tell anyone… lol… All growing up, I had an adverseness to the hair salon – Why? my mother owned one and was always doing my hair as a child… when I got old enough to say – no – then she quit… I was a tomboy – always outside and on horses… I didn’t have hairstyles or wear makeup – still don’t… You know, I also cut my own bangs – but go to a salon when ‘everything’ needs cut… Good post, I enjoyed it much – Thank you!

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Vanessa
June 25, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Thank you for the giggles! I laughed because I’ve done the same, so many times!

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Christina
June 25, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Cringing and laughing at your ‘luxury’! I shall consider this a warning post for the next time I am dreaming of a little luxury for myself! πŸ™‚

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Shona
June 25, 2012 at 1:42 pm

You have made my day. Thanks for the laugh.You are not alone I never quiet know what to do at the beautician.

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Cassandra
June 25, 2012 at 2:04 pm

I am sorry to admit, but I laughed, I mean really laughed. It was the best belly laugh I’ve had in a while, and the more I think about you and your ‘experience’ the more I want to laugh again. Truth be told though, you sound about as glamorous as I am most of the time. I am sure some days that when the dignity was handed out, i got the IOU.
Thanks for making my day
Cassandra

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Ella D
June 25, 2012 at 6:40 pm

Gotta comment too as that is hilarious and I think we can all relate. You had me in fits of laughter at your fart comment! I so needed this pick me up so thank you! πŸ™‚

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Mel Vallel
June 25, 2012 at 6:52 pm

Oh fi fi fi, you are not uncool in any way, although i am sure i remember a conscious objection to leg shaving in high school. I actually snorted with laughter at 630 this morning when i read this while killing 5 mins before dragging brody out of bed for before school care. It was the best start to my day. Imagining your soggy undies and face planting off the table. I am still laughing. xxx

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Lisa
June 25, 2012 at 7:01 pm

That made me snort out loud! That was hilarious, thanks for the laughs…..

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Bruisemouse
June 25, 2012 at 7:42 pm

I loved reading this. You have made my day with your honesty (and hilarity).
Thanks for sharing.

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whitney
June 26, 2012 at 8:00 am

wow, im so glad i saved this for the morning…its pretty hard to remain cool in your abovementioned situation….im not sure its possible…my husband and i are both rolling around laughing, thank you for brightening our day and for being honest enough to share it with us….we aren’t laughing at you but with you all the way…been there, done that…funny xo

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Amanda
June 26, 2012 at 8:08 am

Hilarious! Oh Fi you are just llike a breath of beautiful reality in this prim and propper world! I’ve visited such salons and felt way to plain to be there so you are not alone πŸ™‚ Thanks for the giggle.

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Susie Moten
June 29, 2012 at 12:04 am

So funny…tears pouring down my face….we have all been there! Thanks for the laugh! God bless you and your family!

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kristin
June 29, 2012 at 2:43 am

I hope you don’t mind, but I put a link to this particular post in a post on my own blog — and told my (approximately 3) readers how much your blog absolutely makes my day. I also said that if this post does not make you snort with laughter, you obviously haven’t read it properly!

Thanks for being willing to be real; it encourages the rest of us who actually are just the same, but are trying desperately to look like we are so amazingly cool.

p.s., I am fairly sure the Queen of England farts during facials. (Is that rude?)

kristin

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Heidi
July 3, 2012 at 6:03 pm

The salon experience was wonderful to read. I laughed so much I had to read it out to my husband who wanted to know what was so funny. πŸ™‚

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Lorraine
October 2, 2012 at 11:36 pm

This is one of the funniest posts I’ve read in a long time (and here I am reading it, and commenting, 5 months late!). I was absolutely hysterical reading it. I could picture the whole scene – hilarious. Love your blog πŸ™‚

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